Mone Me, Amabo Te, Si Erro

Advise me, please, if I err.

I've lost him, without really even trying. I feel helpless and alone because I know that there is no way that I could ever have him again. In some ways I feel a clear and distinct relief, but that is not without it's pain. I'm not miserable, by any means. Honestly, I have survived far worse things. I'm not very old, but I've already lost my father and my very first love. I can survive this too.

When giving advice about college degrees, Henry Eyring III said that the shower is the one place where you don't have to think about anything other than what you are most passionate about, which is one way to discover what direction you should lead your life.

I think about a lot of things and nothing when I shower. I think about happiness and what I can do to obtain it. And when I think about happiness - I think about him and how I felt whenever he walked into the room.

I was at home whenever he was there.

And now he's gone.

Alec Baldwin articulated my feelings in Elizabethtown (2005), when his character was addressing Orlando Bloom after his "fiasco." He said, "I cry a lot lately."

I have had so many opinions about my relationship with him, which are pulling me into a million different directions. A lot of them tell me that I cannot ever go back to him, he didn't deserve me, and that I must have someone incredible out there for me.

How perfect does a guy have to be?

Let me just talk about him for a minute or two. He is a home body, like myself. He adores his siblings and drops everything for his family, because they are his priority in life. He is a go-getter. While most teenage boys are hitting on girls, watching football games, playing video games, or picking their noses, he went to college when he was sixteen years old and graduated with a B.A. in business and economics before he served an honorable mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Brazil and New Mexico. He doesn't lead the typical "privileged" life that many kids lead. If he wants something, then he makes it happen by putting in honest work for it. He also doesn't give up at anything. He also has the most beautiful forearms and hardworking hands that I have ever seen - but that is mostly trivial and an added bonus. He is honestly a good person. An amazing person.

Good people aren't immune to everything though because they are still people, subject to every temptation and trial like everyone else.

I have dated plenty of good people and some who were only in it because I happen to be a girl. Perhaps he didn't treat me as he or I know I need to be treated. But there is a difference in the week after it ended. Usually what happens is that guys will do anything to make life miserable for me, which is pretty rude. But he isn't displaying any of that. He has no anger, malice, or selfishness. He wants me to be okay. I cannot express it fairly here. But the point is that he is doing whatever he can to make himself a better person so that one day he can be the kind of person that could deserve someone like me.

I want to just give in and ask the world for it's opinion, except I don't want it either. Mom? Help? Okay - so I need to get on my knees and really find out what I need for myself, because I am an adult and I am the only one who can take responsibility for myself.

So, to quote my fabulous roommate, "SUCK AN EGG!"

Okay, so I'm kidding about that. But seriously:

Mone me, amabo te, si erro.