In Amore Memoria

Memory in love.

I wish I had an insightful perspective regarding love. However, when it comes to love, all I hold claim to are vague and distant memories.

Memories are very dangerous things. Sometimes I am able to go about my life for days or weeks without a single thought towards them. But after a while, when change is imminent, they creep up behind me like wraith and stunt the impending change. Why is there such a disconnect between my head and my heart? My head tells me that there isn't a chance in the world - but my heart refuses to relinquish hope.

The thing about it that is strange is that I am not sad about it. Doesn't that just beat the band?

Sadness evades me, but emotion certainly does not. Maybe someday.. But that is just a hope. Until then, it ought to be time to solely hit the books and keep pressing forward... Ought...

And here is where the good stuff comes in. Picture in your mind a dateless Friday night. What does a girl usually do? Yes. She does watch Twilight. But this is the confusing part - I actually kind of abhor and disdain Twilight. It is a tacky story about a girl who is absolutely pathetically in love with a cold hearted killer, who is able to leave her at a moments notice. What is so great about that and why on earth would anyone want to spend two perfectly good hours watching something as mindless as that?

Hormones. Sometimes I just need a Twilight fix.

I cannot explain why beyond hormones. (Do I need any other explanation? Hormones are a great explanation for almost every malady....OKAY, so I am joking, although most guys would agree with this). But the fact of the matter is that tonight Twilight revved up any semblance of hope that I might have that one day my memories will also be my future.

Anyway, now that conflicting thoughts and emotions are racing through me, here is something that I wrote about a year ago in an attempt to articulate my memories:

There is a thought,

A cherished dream,

The glimmer of life

That we never shall see.

Aching solitude washes over me

As I reflect upon the scene

That could have been -

That would have been

A gem to you and me.

In amore memoria...

Scientia Me Vocat

Knowledge is calling me.

There are many different forces that affect what people decide to do, how people react to things, and why people have certain beliefs. What determines what is an appropriate force behind doing well as opposed to doing poorly? Who, aside from God, has the right to judge our own personal reactions, actions, and decisions? Granted, that question - like a blanket that is too small to cover your feet and shoulders - doesn't cover every scenario and situation. However, I do think that it is a viable question when it pertains to academics.

The life of a college student is a funny thing. I once read a sign that said, "1: Good Grades. 2: Sleep. 3: Social Life. You can only pick two. Welcome to College."

Unless you are a person that has a chemical composition that can affect, change, and distort all of the forces in the universe (ie: time and gravity), then this sign is true. Dear incoming freshman, you are not like the afore-described black hole.

Speaking of and to freshman, there are a few things that I wish that someone had told me about before I started school. For starters I wish that someone had mentioned that I should just take my rose-colored glasses off and accept the experience for what it is. Also, it would have been nice to have been warned that there is no such thing as a perfect, good, or even a smooth semester. They can be reasonably enjoyable or nice, but there is always something that happens that can cause a bumpy ride. I think that part of the greatest test of gaining a college education is learning to work through those bumps. Now, I'm a list person. I'm not OCD about them, but sometimes they are effective in proving points. This is the list of my "bumps" and their correlating semesters:

- Assaulted at a bus stop (Fall 2008)

- Good friend died (Winter 2009)

- Dad's death catching up to me, triggered from my friend's death (Winter 2009)

- Roommate drama (Winter 2009)

- Sickness (Winter 2009)

- Ran out of money; a boy that I loved wanted me to come home for Thanksgiving (Fall 2009)

- An uncle died (Fall 2009)

- The boy broke my heart before I could visit him (Fall 2009)

- Was pseudo-manipulated and used by another guy (Fall 2009)

- My ipod was stolen (Fall 2009)

- Roommate drama (Fall 2009)

- Stomach problems (Fall 2009)

- Family discord (Winter 2010)

- Three separate cases of boy problems (Winter 2010)

- Sickness (Spring 2010)

- Ran out of money (Spring 2010)

- Neck is out of joint (aka the month-long headache) (Spring 2010)

OKAY - that list sounds terribly whiney and I'm not certain now that I absolutely want it there. But it's an illustration that stuff happens, you deal with it, and move on. I have a favorite youtube video that is a skit on Hamlet. The purpose of the video is to show what could have happened if Ophelia had had a sassy gay friend.

Ophelia: "Hamlet loves me no more."

Friend: "So we kill ourselves? Kill ourselves?... So instead of drowning yourself, you're gunna write a sad poem in your journal and move on."

What does this have to do with knowledge? Absolutely nothing.

Sarcasm aside, it has everything to do with it. I personally have gained a more invaluable knowledge through both the educational and emotional experiences. What do you really learn if you don't have to really work through things?

Now that I have taken the time to write all of that out, here is the crux of my post. I have decided that my grades aren't that important to my education. Grades are most definitely a personal decision, but you have to be wise in your decision and carefully weigh what is going to be the best for yourself individually. For clarification, when I say that they aren't all that important, I mean that they are important, but I will not beat up my mental, physical, and emotional well-being for an A anymore. Instead, I have decided that as long as I put in my very best work in every class, and have learned a lot and am happy, then my grade doesn't matter as much. I do love A's though. But sometimes it is okay to get a lower grade than that. Sometimes just barely passing a class is thrilling, depending on the subject matter. This is all fairly confusing I think to anyone aside from myself simply because I am not the best at articulating what I am thinking or feeling. It is sufficient for me to say that I am a good student and that my grades are what they are - I am not frittering away the opportunity I have been given by being here.

Moral of my post? I suppose the root of it is that I do not agree with how some college students are so driven to get A's in all of their classes that they have a lofty point of view, which means that you and your grades will never live up to their parr and expectations.

I just smile at them because I know that I am doing my best. I'm not here at BYU for A's. I'm here to gain knowledge and the very best education possible - and I am working very hard to put into my education what I want out of it. Why?

Scientia me vocat.

Spes Me Defendit

Hope is protecting me.

My favorite explanation and translation of the word "hope" comes from the Philippines, where in certain connotations it is literally translated as being an expectation. Ergo, hope is protecting me. I expect that come what may, God will work life out for me.

I have a lot of life to live until then though, so I will just keep hoping in hope.

Unsurprisingly, hope in that end can be difficult because I have such a linear reference of time. Plus, as most of my friends insist reminding me of, patience is definitely not one of my strong points. But it isn't all that hard, except for when dreams keep going unnoticed and unfulfilled. For instance, I am working on earning the money to purchase an ipad. I have plenty of patience for that, but I suppose that is simply because it won't contribute to my emotional well-being. I have other dreams that require patience as well, but they aren't a constant emotional strain. Granted, the one that I am referring to is one that I have had for almost five years and will likely never happen. People tell me that I am being foolish by holding onto that hope.

Foolish for hoping? Okay. It is time for the greatest of all confessions!

(Okay, considering how anti-climactic it will be now that I've said that, I will add a quick disclaimer. It might not actually be the greatest confession ever).

Although I usually verbally acquiesce to my friend's insistence that I forget that hope, I realize that they have no say in it. Ergo I ignore them! I have found out that my independence and knowledge of myself will allow me to do what is best for me.

Now that I sound utterly defensive of my dreams, let's talk. I gave up all the dreams that I had ever had when Dad died. I didn't want to get married, go to school, go to Disneyland, Europe, have children, or even exist. I didn't want anything for Christmas either. I adopted the mentality that nothing was ever going to go well for me ever again, which would, in theory, make me happy when good things did happen. What a twisted theory! It might have been worth something, had I not grown up and discovered that happiness comes as a decision.

Long story short? I have the most beautiful dreams imaginable.

Not to brag or anything, but I am going to achieve those dreams. I'm on my way there right now! I am attending a wonderful University that is providing me the necessary tools to help me achieve them. I may still be single, but as a part of my major I will be doing an internship during Fall semester of 2011 in Washington D.C. doing research work in the Library of Congress. If all goes according to my dreams then I will be teaching an American Humanities class in a private school in a few short years. That won't sound like a dream to most people. I'm not most people and that is my dream - I'm dreaming of making a difference.

Did I mention that I have already been to Disneyland this year?

Spes Me Dedendit