Vita et Mutatio

Life and Change.

When I began my college career, I didn't anticipate learning much beyond the necessary academics that would ensure my ability to graduate. At the time I believed that I would systematically pass through the conveyor-belt type education, follow the stereotypical pursuit of marriage, and settle down with my husband, my child-bearing hips, and multiply and replenish the world. Of course I knew that there would be bumps along the way, but what I didn't realize that I was going to hit the largest "bump" that every single person has to conquer:

Life.

You could laugh and say, with the typical vocal eloquence of our society, "no duh." While presuming that every person lives each and every single day of their life, one may even foolishly presume to say that I couldn't have just discovered that life exists when I reached college age. The very idea of it! Obviously I must have lived every day because my body has been in existence since the day that I was born. I used to believe that idea as well - until life hit.

For my friends birthdays, I typically like to leave each of them a little note to make them laugh on their special day. Usually they are simple and meaningless ("May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful." "Boogers are like Birthdays - the more you have, the harder it is to breathe."). However, some of them have meaning beyond a laugh:

"May you live all the days of your life." (I cannot remember who this quote has been attributed to).

Surely, living cannot simply mean waking up in the morning, going through the daily routine of life, and falling asleep at night. That is not to say that living cannot happen in the interim - but existing is not purely synonymous with living. Living entails so much more! It begins with opening your eyes, looking around you, acknowledging the unpleasant, relishing in the good, and trudging through both with the zeal of a conqueror!

When I initially embarked in my schooling, I couldn't possibly have dreamed about the adventures that life was about to hand me. In fact, I had assumed that I had had my bit with life when I spent years watching my dad die of cancer. Because of this assumption, I planned my life out in such a way that not only did I doom myself to fail all of my plans, but I had also set my appointment with Life.

And now here I am - I am a couple years older, and a lot more battered than I was when I began. Interestingly, I am indescribably happier as well. Perhaps I didn't marry my first tall, dark, and handsome, like I thought I was going to do. And maybe I didn't pass every semester with flying colors. But I haven't failed.

Like the wind, life merely has changed my course - and it will likely be doing it again and again.

However, there is another thing about this life and the change therein, which comes as surely as the rising sun, that plagues me. There is always a tinge of sadness that is as certain as the gray sky of dawn. I am trying to not dwell on it - but it is hard not to acknowledge it. I am worn out, battered, torn, twisted, inside-out, and sideways. What is with that? I'll admit that there are days that it seems like it would be nice to be able to just quit and go back to an "easy" life! But I know from my meager existence for the year and a half after Dad died that that is simply not an option. There is a stubbornness deeply embedded within my soul that won't let me give up my right to live. Longfellow perfectly articulated what I mean in "A Psalm of Life" that he wrote:

TELL me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream ! —

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real ! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal ;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way ;

But to act, that each to-morrow

Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle !

Be a hero in the strife !

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant !

Let the dead Past bury its dead !

Act,— act in the living Present !

Heart within, and God o'erhead !

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time ;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate ;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

My goal now is to make my life sublime, wherever I may be. Maybe I am pseudo-discouraged that I am a year behind graduating because of life right now, because I had to come home to heal and am without the majority of my friends, and because (although I am embarrassed to acknowledge it - and won't confess to it on a dare) I am as single as the day I was born...

... But I'll live ;-)

Vita et Mutatio